I blogged last year about the horrors of dating in your 30’s, my
friend B and I have been through all the different avenues, speed dating,
online, casual sex etc but I have come to the conclusion that it can be a
horror for a woman of any age to find a man, the one who is going to hang
around or isn’t one of the following, for which I will describe.
I have recently decided to go on a 30 day man Hiatus, after the
last three men in my life fell into three of the categories below, I decided to
empower myself. I believe I may have been attracting the wrong men because I
allowed myself to fall into the traps. I have been reading self help books
lately, to help me discard my old ways, the ways that attract the wrong men. I
need to feel like a ‘catch’ before men see me as one.
Bearing in mind before I begin, that there are a lot of keepers
out there, men who stick. The course of true love doesn’t run smooth they say,
but there are many, many people for which it does because there are the
Before I run through my list of men that aren’t in the keeper
category (or may be but just not found the right girl?), I have to say that
women aren’t always the good guys either. There are a lot of women out there
digging for gold, seducing men for their own means. As I am a woman, I can only
write from this perspective and as I’m not a gold digger myself, I can only
compartmentalise men. Sorry boys.
We can also be guilty, us girls, of allowing these type of men to
treat us this way. I am very guilty of this one. Jumping in too fast, trying to
please, wanting to find love. If you give off desperation, these types of men
fall in your lap. Thus my hiatus, I have expectations, I know what I want and I
need to stick with them or repeat the same patterns.
Type One: The Commitment Phobic
Now my best male friend, who I love dearly, is one of these. Our
friendship is strong and although we tried to make it work together, we are
better as companions, best friends who hang together a lot. We will always be
friends and I know we will stick by each other for the rest of our lives, no
matter what men or women come and go. I can rely on him to love, support and
stand by me... he just wants different things. Well, different to what I
believe I want anyway.
It isn’t that these men can’t love, they can, but they are not
into monogamy. They don’t want the white picket fence and the 2.5 children.
Whether they tell you this up front or you find out along the track, in my
experience, a guy who doesn’t want to commit, won’t change because a girl has
come into his life, no matter how compatible. Not saying that this can’t
happen, that these men don’t meet the right girl and settle down... I believe
it to be rare.
Type Two: The Unavailable
There could be many reasons why they are unavailable. They may be
in a relationship that isn’t working, staying for the sake of the kids, or
really have no plans to leave at all. This is the mistake that is made on both
sides. I have been guilty of it... getting involved with someone who won’t leave
his kids. This is where both genders can make the error of judgement. If you get
involved with a man who is unavailable, it will usually end in tears. Don’t get
me wrong, some men do leave their unhappy relationship and follow the course of
true love but how often this happens, I don’t know.
Type Three: The Attached
The attached man is the one carrying a torch. They pursue you,
thinking they are ready to date, to move on and build a relationship with
someone new... until she comes back. Not saying this always happens but if the
man isn’t over his last love, then run the other way. He may pursue you
vigorously like the womaniser I speak of below, he may actually like you, but I
believe the biggest warning sign is; I want to go slow, take it day by day. He
doesn’t want to make dates for next week, but then may be spontaneous and
organise several with short notice. This type of man is the reason for my 30 day
man hiatus. Although the girlfriend was no longer in his life, he wasn’t over
the relationship. He threw himself fully into something with me, thinking he was
ready, then she rings, out of the blue, and bye-bye to current squeeze. The
rejection may hurt, but in this instance, what is to be done, feelings are
elsewhere and who am I, as a romance writer, to stand in the way of true love,
what is meant to be. It could all fall in a crumbling heap, the same problems
that broke them up could be there, but maybe things can change. The jury is out
on this one for me but I have a motto, don’t go back if it didn’t work the
Type Four: The Womaniser
I think this speaks for itself. They wine, they dine, they ...
but that is all they want. Promises may or not be made and they may or may not
tell you up front that it is casual. Again, these men could change, find the
‘one’but I believe that these men probably don’t.
Type Five: The Vanisher
This could be a man you met anywhere, online, out and about,
speed dating whatever. There are phone calls or online exchanges. There is that
nice getting to know each other period. From experience, these guys take your
number and don’t give out their own. They call you, things seem great, they say
they will call to make a date, then poof! Up in smoke they go. Maybe they fall
into one of the categories above, maybe it was all a fun flirtation they don’t
want to follow through on, but I find the vanisher can leave a girl wondering,
Now these are all generalised and I am only speaking from my
experiences... there may be other types that aren’t coming to mind right now,
and there are exceptions to every rule. A scene from ‘He’s just not that into
you’ reminds me of this. He is the serial womaniser, thought that there were no
exceptions until he met her... She believes in love, analyses every little
thing men do, will he call, why hasn’t he called, I think he likes me.... etc
(I have been guilty of this I admit!) and though in the movie, it takes him a
while to wake up... this sums it up for me.
Her: I thought there were no exceptions
Him: You are my exception
All I can do is hope to find a keeper (and maybe I have with my
best friend, maybe this is the best option, companionship and respect) or
perhaps I can be someone’s exception.
Serenity, acceptance, strength and wisdom
I’ve been tagged in, 'The Next Big Thing', by Bronwyn Stuart. Thank you!
I don’t know Bronwyn well but we are fellow writers living in Adelaide.
What is the title of your next book?
Womaniser, due out very soon! It is the third in the ‘Spoilt’ series.
Where did the idea come from for this book?
Although it is part of a series and does follow along, it is also a stand alone... Mitch, who appears in Twisted Fire, is a photographer, so I decided he could meet a model... who has a stalker... the rest just went from there. What genre does your book fall under?
Romance with a bit of suspense thrown in.Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie
There is a reference to Leonardo Di Caprio in the book... so probably him... and I’m still scouting for Isabelle...
Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?
As my first four, Womaniser will be released by Taylor Street Books.
How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?
I write this early on and used to write drafts quickly, so probably a couple of weeks... it was short and has been re-written since then.
What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?
Gee this is a hard one! I like to think I’m original... but if I had to say... maybe Nora Roberts.
Who or What inspired you to write this book?
I didn’t want Mitch to be a minor character in his first appearance. I decided to write his story so I could keep him around a bit longer! What else about your book might pique the reader's interest?
Perhaps the element that Mitch is a playboy, but a likeable one, who meets the right girl to change for... that people can evolve and fall in love.
Here are the next four authors who are going to reveal or have already revealed their Next Big Thing so make sure you take a look! Bronwyn Stuart Liz Flaherty Alison Stuart Carla Caruso
It’s Manic Monday and today I’m feeling manically excited about
Jessica L Degarmo and her new upcoming release ‘Blood Lust’, so I am doing a spotlight on the talented author and her romance/chick lit novels.
Jessica has several published works including, How to meet a guy at the supermarket, Hooking Up, Six Weeks, Decisions, The Storm Within and Historically Yours.
In addition to being a writer, Jessica is a wife, a mommy, a full-time insurance agent and manager for an insurance office and a recent college graduate. Jessica put herself through college by going part-time at night and on weekends. It took her 3 1/2 years, but she’s now the proud owner of an Associates Degree in Business Administration. Jessica also wrote her first four books while in school!
She also occasionally works as a country music DJ, and recently took a job as an editor for one of her publishers, Taylor Street Books, which is, of course, the publisher we share.
Jessica is one busy lady, but she likes it that way!
Here is a link to her Amazon page: http://www.amazon.com/Jessica-L.-Degarmo/e/B004B62XYA/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1349677589&sr=1-2-ent
I then asked Jessica a couple of quick questions.... Besides your husband (of course!), which of your leading men would you like to be sweeping you off your feet?
Hmmm...I have a thing for firemen, so I'd have to say Raif, from The Storm Within. He's dreamy! I have a character from my favourite book that makes me swoon, do you have a favourite book that is so because you have a big book crush?
Yep. Roarke is one of the main reasons I read the In Death Series by Nora Roberts writing as JD Robb. He's Irish, richer than God and sexy!!! As a writer and a singer you're artistic in more than one way, do you have any other creative sides?
I used to make jewellery, but other than that, no. I wish I could draw or paint, but I'm hopeless! Finally (I thought for a bit of light fun), I'm going to do the Clichéd J thing and ask, if you could choose which famous person you were stranded on a deserted island with, who would it be?
Vin Diesel. He's got mad upper-body strength, perfect for scaling tall trees in search of bananas and coconuts. And other things.
Thanks for your time, Jessica, and good luck with the release of ‘Blood Lust’.Cliched J
I meant to start this a couple of weeks ago but with my darling children, 'real work', writing and my floristry course, I got slack.
Part One starts almost where my journey began. Speed dating. Now I will be honest, and B will agree, she did not put on her best, most flirtatious personality. She ended up dateless... then again I got Mr TV and that didn't work out so swell.
B also tried where my journey began. Internet dating. (Side note: Now B, I love you, but internet dating rarely works out the way it should but it has become my fodder!) Her first foray into this new world was the same place I started. The place where I met Mr Silent Shiny. Her first organised 'real' face to face date also entailed a man who misrepresented himself in his profile. Sound familiar. Pic good... real person, at least 20 years older than picture. Suffice to say, B did not meet with him. One look told her all she needed to know. He was not as he portrayed. Again, very familiar.
Through it all B doesn't give up, and although she may, in the last 12 months, have done things she normally wouldn't do, her attitude remains positive and she still believes she will find Mr Right, again. Now before I continue with this blog serial, I need to get one thing straight. My darling, Unlucky in Love B, has done everything she has, and gone through all these escapades and dating disasters because she still believes in true love. Despite the magnitude of creeps she endures, she still believes in love which is commendable. She still carries on, lives in hope. This is one of the things that makes her a wonderful person to know and the best friend a girl could have.
Next week I will move onto the first dud... I mean man!
The intention began but didn't mature, a blog series, really it is going to happen, but life, as it does, got in the way. After that long winded sentence, I came to say, my story will start when Unlucky in Love B is back from her holiday somewhere sunnier than here. I will begin her escapades, where it all started for me, speed dating. But that is next week.
Before that I will be doing a spotlight piece which I may intermingle with Unlucky B...
In the past I wrote about my dating disasters in my 30s both online and in the speed dating arena... well since then my love life has gone on a rollercoaster but has now come to rest and I'm cruising along nicely with the man who is my best friend... anyway enough about me, this new series of dating disaster stories aren't about me but my friend, B.
We went to speed dating together, I encouraged her to try her luck online... whether this was a good idea or not will be revealed over the coming weeks.
B kindly offered for me to blog about her dating experiences. My best girl friend has been through one of the worst things that can occur in the love world, the death of a partner. I will not, of course, go into gory details but lets just say I met B not long after this happened and I believe the course her life went on was because of the pain of her loss, because of the loneliness that followed and her quest to find love again.
They say the course of true love never runs smooth... (had to throw in some kind of cliches) well in my bff's case, this is not far from the truth.
The reason I'm writing about my friend's love life (or the disasters) is to try and comically (if I can!) tell of her escapades, in the hope of helping other girls avoid the wrong type of men! I'm sorry to all the gents out there, this doesn't apply to you, not all men are pigs or think of their .... and yes there are some horrid women out there who break hearts callously, but my poor friend, Unlucky In Love B still lives in hope after all the weirdos, creeps and just plain what!? guys she has dated in the past 18 months.
It's been a long time between blogs. In fact it has been six months!
Time flies when you are having fun they say. Well, I can say some of the time that passed me by was certainly fun but unfortunately not all of it was.
Summer had cliched J fall in love. Summer lovin, had me a blast... but like all good things it had to come to an end.
I did the scandalous thing and fell in love at first sight with the wrong man, an unavailable man. Although he could well have been the love of my life, and me his, it could not be. So I had to fall out of love whether I wanted to or not.
Then came Autumn and with that came my illness. A mystery virus that knocked me about for over two months and caused me to be unable to do any writing, editing or working due to 'post-viral' arthritis and carpel tunnel. Luckily during this time I also rekindled a romance with a compatible man. The man I believe is my missing piece. He is my best friend and is the most considerate man I know. Our friendship and passion is like no other I've had and he has been by my side as my friend for some time. We've had our ups and downs, dated other people and fell in love again... but we now have a relationship that I didn't think I could find. That I thought only existed in my imagination. So Sleeping Beauty was awakened. At least I had a birthday during this time to help... though getting older isn't so good!
I'm now almost completely well, the virus has taken its toll on me and my energy levels etc aren't what they were before but I'm on the mend and writing! Yes, I am currently in rewriting and editing phase and feeling great about working again after a long break. Writers block... no, perhaps heart broken and lost... but my muse is back.
On the author front, my publisher has had a change. Tim, the man who has given me such a wonderful opportunity, has unfortunatly had to relinquish Night Publishing and has resigned me with his new, more 'traditional' company - Taylor Street Books. I'm looking forward to continuing to work with Tim and Kathleen. My third release under Joanne Ellis, Folk Law is currently in the hands of an editor and will be my first release under Taylor Street.
Finally, I will be soon returning to my Writers I know Wednesday reviews and shout-0uts once I finished Mockingjay and the two new Cassandra Clare books! I have a long list and so many to read but hope to begin this blog again soon.
That's all for now.
Episode 4 – Speed Dating and Mr TV
Speed Dating is an interesting idea and I went in with no
expectations. For those who don’t know the concept, you date a number of men,
in my case fifteen, for five minutes each. You then have to determine which men
you would like to date, be friends with or never see again. They are then
correlated and matched. If you pick date for someone and they pick friendship,
it defaults to friendship. If you say no then the details aren’t given out.
I received one date match which I thought was pretty good
considering I had only marked down a handful of dates myself. The others were
all friendship matches or no match for the three I said no to. My date match
contacted me. I remembered he worked in television, thus the original name, so
I thought he could be interesting and successful.
We met for a drink, which turned into dinner, which turned into
more drinks followed by hot kisses at my door. It was a great date. One of the
best ones I’ve had for as long as I can remember. He was witty, charming and
mature with an interesting career. Things looked promising.
Leading up to our second date I still wasn’t sure. Yes, we had a
great first date but we are always on our best behaviour. We are flirty,
charming, sophisticated and witty. So I don’t hold too much on the first date.
Aside from all this he’s an Aries... and they aren’t always a good idea for a
Taurean. Regardless, I thought there could be more to it, I wanted to find out
whether I wanted to pursue things, whether I should go with chemistry and see
whether we had something of substance once the gloss of a new prospect wore off.
He also carried a lot of baggage... but I have my fair share so I wasn’t going
to let that influence me.
The second date he impressed me. Dinner, wine, interesting
company, great conversation...
You see the reasons men speed date are very similar to the
reasons why men online date. See if you can work out which category Mr TV fell
into and why I won’t be seeing him again. ;)
Episode 2 - Mr Shiny
When I joined the online dating site, all I wanted was a user
friendly site that I could cruise around on, and wouldn’t cost me my left arm.
I’ve made friends on forums and various other places online before so I knew how
easy it would be to talk to people.
The interesting part is the initial response. Flirtations flying
about, a plethora of men and loads of people to browse through with pics. This
is where, of course, the first thing can go wrong. As we all may well know,
anyone, at any time, can post a fake picture. This is obviously the number one
rule. Add to this, a profile that seems great, you want to believe the photo
could be real. I’m using my real one.
So when you find there on screen, what sounds too wonderful...
well he probably is. For the purpose of my first story and to keep what little
I know about him a secret, I’m going to call him Mr Shiny, for that is how he
appeared. He had the credentials, he ticked all the boxes and our banter was
fun and flirtatious... I had an internet crush. Not the first time... will it
be the last?
He took my number after prolonged internet dating and we had
several get to know calls before arranging to meet. Now I wondered at this
point why his voice didn’t seem to match... didn’t quite fit. So, after several
days of zero communication, I was supposed to hear from him about the time to
meet after he finished work. Needless to say I heard not a thing. Silence
followed a very long session on the phone.
Now in the age of internet and text messages I spend less time
talking on the phone. I still like to do it but why call when you can say it in
text, so a long phone conversation is rare but encouraging. Day and place set
then... nothing. I still to this day, over a month later, have no idea what
happened. He was probably married and looking for a shag on the side. Who knows
but I should have thought it weird when he was reluctant to exchange details
but happy to take mine... so my first flirtation came to a screaming halt.
A little disheartened, I decided there was more than one guy on
the site. Perhaps I could give it another go... think again.
Episode 3 - Mr Hard Up and The Married Man
There has been an update since my last entry. It seems Mr Shiny
hasn’t fallen into a black hole or isn’t in traction after an unfortunate road
accident but is cruising the site again for his next victim. I have still
received no word. Not a sorry for the silence, or acknowledgement of my message
which read, hey what gives? No explanation. Perhaps he is being nice and doesn’t
want to hurt my feelings. Um, it is too late, you’re silence and rejection
did sting. Be a man and at least say, sorry I stood you up, you’re not what
I’m looking for. This is still a mystery but I guess I have to accept the
fact that I was rejected... for whatever reason. Thankfully I am resilient
and I bounce back... until the next time anyway...
So I continued on with the site even though my first interaction
went sour. While I had been communicating with Mr Shiny I came across two other
contenders who seemed interested. The first was the married man. At first I
didn’t realise this to be the case. I learned quickly after this to check the
status before investing any of my time. He attempted to dazzle me with poetry
and sweet flattering words. When I learned he was married this only intensified
his pursuit and how much he wanted to meet me.
Now, before we go on, I must get one thing very straight. I don’t
want to be the other woman. There are several reasons for this. The number one
being that I couldn’t do that to someone. I couldn’t knowingly conduct a sordid
affair with another woman’s husband. I have standards. I have morals. I don’t
want to be the cause of someone being hurt. Perhaps if he was the ‘perfect’ guy
I may break my morality and attempt some sort of relationship but I’m not
immoral and I don’t like him enough so the point is moot. He continues to pursue
and boost my ego and I continue to play hard to get... because in this instance,
I am. It’s flattering and sometimes he’s sweet but it isn’t enough to make
me ignore my judgement.
The other is quite simple. I don’t like to share. I could blame
this again on being an only child but I won’t. You see, envy is one of many sins
I am guilty of. I don’t like the idea that the object of my affection is sharing
this affection with someone else. The green eyed monster comes out and I become
this totally different person, and I don’t like when she escapes. So basically
The Married Man was disregarded before I even started.
So this brings me to Mr Hard Up. Now why am I calling him this?
Good question. And one I’ll answer in a moment but first, if I’ve learnt
anything from my experience on the dating site it is this, the men are
Married, admitting they are and state quite freely they are after an affair
Are married and don’t admit it but are quite freely looking for an affair.
Pretend to be someone they aren’t.
Are single but is only looking for a booty call.
They aren’t attractive.
Now I realise this sounds very judgemental of me and
I know I’m not going to win Miss Universe or I’m not 25
but there has to be an attraction no matter how nice they are. If I couldn’t
kiss them, then I can’t date them.
Then there are the men who are seeking a relationship, are what
they portray, aren’t unattractive and are seeking the same as me.
But I think these are the ones that are harder to find.
As yet I haven’t met anyone on the site (besides Mr Shiny the con artist)
that I could truly say, yes this could lead to something.
I don’t think I will be finding my soul mate on the internet. I’m still waiting to be
Anyway, Mr Hard Up, he seemed like the last point. Genuine,
nice guy who is searching for love. As it turned out, he was after the
I didn’t know this at first. I had lunch with him but there was
no spark. I couldn’t imagine kissing him. It wasn’t that he was
unattractive... just not my type.
I have a single friend who I have been going on all these
adventures with. Online dating, speed dating and the
like... and I thought perhaps they would hit it off. How wrong could I be? As
soon as he found out he wouldn’t get the booty from her, he ran for the hills
before deciding to give it one last go with me. Suffice to say, I no longer
am in contact!
My friend also organised a date with one of these
guys. He turned out to be pretending to be something he wasn’t. Thankfully
she spotted him before going to meet him. The funniest thing about this is...
that he actually thought it would be OK that he wasn’t what she thought he
would be. He was at least 20 years older than he said and wasn’t as he
portrayed at all. So he turns up knowing he has lied and didn’t think she
would reject him! All very strange. She has decided she won't find her soul
mate on the internet.
I was ready after the three strikes to say, it is time to give up
on the online dating. Since then, in the last two weeks I
have been communicating with a seemingly nice man. We have been chatting in a
friendly way with no talk of meeting or exchanging numbers but rather
building a friendship slowly over time. I’m not sure where I want this to go,
if anywhere, but it has renewed my faith in the kind of men on the site. I’m
having a pleasant exchange with what could become a new friend. Time will
tell with this one.
Next week I will delve into the world of Speed Dating and my foray into this world with Mr TV.