Perhaps it can be a new genre. 

Yes there is always happily ever after and a formulaic plot but I try to add my own spin.  Whether that is anyone’s cup of tea, well I’m starting to find out.  AGAIN?  No this is about something else.  Well sort of...

I believe there was a writer within me for a long time but I wasn’t listening.  I only wish I realised how much it would become part of me, I would have woken up sooner.  But I didn’t.  When I started it was rough.  No ‘skills’ and a bad memory meant I had to learn again.  I read how to books, I got advice from writers I admired and I tried to get better.  I hope I have.  So when my first story went free on a little place called Amazon Kindle I was so not prepared for what would happen.

So from the first moment of plotting out my first, short, rough draft of my first story to the day I discovered it to be ‘taking off’ as a freebie, three years had passed.  I still don’t think I believe it.   After many, many hours of reading other amateur’s work (like myself) on authonomy, where I could also learn by reviewing which in turn helped me to find out how to improve myself, editing and re-writing scenes and the thing I’m worst at, cutting (I don’t write enough as it is), Spoilt was born.  My first ‘finished’ manuscript.  Was I ever wrong.  After being so dumbfounded by winning the ‘First Chapter of the Month’ competition at Night I went through it all again.  Editing, rewriting.... My point out of all of that is; I am only a ‘young’ writer but I believe I have stories to tell. 

What I got from all this, the most amazing thing of all, was the friends I made.  From all over the world I have a community of writers who I can share my woes with and they will pat me on the back, give me a reality check and send me on my way.  I can share my news with them and they are excited.  I can share their joys and say yay for them.  All of that plus many others who support me, always, is how I keep going.  Nothing could ever replace that community and what it has done for me and my writing.  At the top of that is Tim.  I have shouted out for him this week already.  When I considered throwing in the towel this week, Tim supported me through every high and low.  To him I am the most grateful. 

Then there is the emails I have received, the 'fan' type ones that aren't public, that people don't see... these are touching and make it all worthwhile.  But writing isn't just about the 'accolades', it is about the love of it but knowing you are bringing something to someone's life... that's pretty cool too. 

At the end of the day, I was lucky but with that luck came nastiness.  I may be an average writer with three stars who disappointed people enough to write bad reviews but 17 out of 60,000 isn’t too bad.  Maybe the people who haven’t reviewed are enjoying it.  That is all I can hope for. 

I may write poorly and maybe I should give it away... yet I will still write because I love it.  Because the muse comes calling and being in the zone...is unexplainable.  I do the best I can to hopefully give someone a few hours escape, like reading has been for me.  So yes the bad reviews really, really hurt and I thought about giving it up.  Instead I’m going to take a few days and re-group.  Becoming a ‘bestseller’ was amazing and unbelievable and I wish I had been able to enjoy it more.  After my retreat I hopefully will.

I have never said I wrote anything but adult fairytales.

This has been a remarkable journey.

Yesterday on my blog I wrote about people hurting each other and realised I left out a whole section of things that brought about me asking this question. 

The horrible internet troll ThatGirlTyson had to contend with in regard to her vlog about her dad.  I mean seriously...

Then there are of course the larger, most horrid things in the world which overshadow my little sensitivity.  War, terrorism, child molestation, female circumcision, rape, murder and violent assault to name a few.  Oh and then there is road rage.  I don’t think I should even start about the awful things people do to one another because they are cut off in traffic.

What motivates people to do the smallest of hurtful things to the largest of despicable things? I guess I will never understand. 

Perhaps it is ying and yang.  Good with bad.  Something positive happens and the karma is all great until the other side of the coin flips over.  Life pulling you in for a comforting hug and then slapping you in the face with the other hand.  Unfair things happen to good people all the time, yet nasty people... not so much.  That is why prisons are full and innocent children die.  Maybe it is the good people who feel it, who suffer the most.  Envy and nastiness will only destroy the person who carries it and then spreads it around.  What goes around comes around.  But does it?

So from my Terrible Tuesday last week to this Tuesday I’ve seen the ying and yang.  I’ve had the most exciting thing happen to me but with it came a price.  One which had me questioning whether I could or should go on.  Delete my files and cut my loses.  BUT I remember how lucky I am.  I have a family who love me.  Two beautiful children and friends I cherish.  I have a roof over my head and I have not had to suffer through earthquakes like our dear Beegirl in Christchurch. 

I just wish more people would think about the consequences of their actions before they do them and consider exactly how they would feel if the roles were reversed.

Tomorrow – Empty Chairs review.

This was how it started.  It’s been a week.  I read an emotional story, Empty Chairs, and wondered how people do this to each other and their family.  Since writing this blog last week, Stacy has had further turmoil and it sickens me that some people are just so evil.  It came from my daughter encountering a bully at school.  It is about being bullied myself at school.  It is about how words can sting.  The subject I’m going to cover is a pebble in a pond but relevant to the feeling of hurt.  I have banged on about it a bit already... but it has taken me days to get over it.  It has, in a way, overshadowed my ‘success’ and I allowed this to happen.  I enabled the hurt and drove people nuts with my moans.  Instead of being completely happy about the amazing rise, I sulked.  I have since kicked myself in the butt and said ‘You are lucky!  There are other people who would love to be in your position.’  However, I let it be tainted regardless.  I hope this blog is something all writers can relate to. 

With success comes the jibes, and nastiness.  Now I knew I would need a thick skin being a writer.  I encountered some of this on authonomy.  Yet as I sit amazed by the past week I still find the bad review stings.  Sure not everyone is going to like everything they read.  I know I don’t.  Sure I have not written the next Pulitzer Prize.  I have never claimed to have written anything but fluff.  But we all want people to like our tomes.  And we all want to be liked.  Don’t we?

I have never given a bad review to anyone.  This could be to do with being intimidated by confrontation.  It could also mean I like to be liked.  I like to think it is because I am nice.  Do unto others?  If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.  So what motivates someone to take the time to write a bad review?  They really passionately didn’t like it.  So I think, great I made this person feel.  It may have been vitriol but it was driven by emotion nevertheless.

We write because we have to, we want to be read.  Unfortunately that comes with a price.  I, of course, do not know the motivations behind the nasty review.  There could be a perfectly good reason to slam.  Like I said, I don’t claim to be a literary genius.  I would like people to get out of my story what I get from others.  Light, love filled entertainment.  Don’t take it personally is really what should be considered.  But how can one not when they have poured their heart and soul into something they truly believe in.  Does a nasty reviewer remember there is a person behind the words?

I know I claim to be a ‘writer’ but in essence I’m more like a storyteller.  There are so many writers I am awe-inspired by and know I will never be that writer.  But commercial books sell regardless of your writing prowess.

Twilight is the case in point or even The Da Vinci Code.  Now I am not saying that I am in the same ballpark as these books, far from it!  But the point is, millions of people loved the books.  Loads hated them, stating them to be poor.  Maybe they were.  I liked them but I write fluff.  Yet these books sold ridiculous amounts.  I can only wish I could do this well.  I have been so lucky to have this amazing, dare I say, success but I like to think some of it has to do with my storytelling ability.  My ego thinks I do alright, sometimes.

I could never have anticipated what would happen.  I dreamed of course that it would.  I want to entertain people as they have me.  I want someone to read my book and get lost by the sheer romantic fluff of it all.  I hope that out there that is happening, somewhere.

So today on Manic Monday, I reflect on my week and thank my VERY supportive friends who helped my bruised pride cope with rejection and bad reviews.  I also want to send a special thank you to Tim.  Thank you for putting up with and encouraging the sensitive writer!

First a thank you to everyone who has supported me.  It has been surprising and exciting to have Spoilt doing well.  I’m back on track and ready to go.  Perhaps my topic for Thursday is fitting.

 

Depression.

The word itself is depressing.  As if the blue coloured misery isn’t enough.  Elton John said ‘I guess that’s why they call it the blues’ but I’m not exactly sure why the colour that also represents the sky, eye tone and most boy’s favourite is associated with this condition.  Black is something that I feel when the claw of depression digs into my chest and hollows it out.  Perhaps the song is more about break-up blues than the ‘real’ blues.

So why am I blogging about this?  It is something that many people suffer from but go undiagnosed, untreated and unnoticed.  Suicide rates are far too high.  Depression is a vicious spiral that many people cannot climb out of.  Mine first came in the form of ‘post-natal’ but perhaps it was always there.  I sought help because of my children.  Many people don’t.  To think it is a chemical imbalance, which can (not always) be ‘fixed’ with medication and then therapy is astounding really.  A simple incorrect level of serotonin.  I am compartmentalising of course and there are many severe cases and other disorders such as bipolar where there is no quick medical fix but like any other medical condition there are ways to find help.  I sincerely wish that everyone who suffers sought aid as I did.

But this isn’t just about the form it appears in or how it affects my life but more about how it influences my writing.  Does depression sometimes go hand in hand with angst in writing or even with the muse in some way?  For me I have to say, perhaps, for I find the more happiness I feel and the less I have to chase away the blues, the less I write.  I know of many writers who suffer from the blues and I wonder if it is an outlet for them.  I do know that a thought diary or journal is encouraged to help sort out negative thoughts, to pour out the darkness onto paper so perhaps I inadvertently started to write because of depression.  It looks as though I have it to thank in an ironic way.  I wonder how many writers suffer and do not know or are writers because of it. 

This blog is mainly a plea to anyone who thinks they may have a love one suffering to help them find the light.  I know what it is like to be in the bottom of the abyss and I am glad I sought help and found solace in my writing. 

It’s just another Manic Monday, wish it were Sunday, as The Bangles would say. 

So I thought Monday is the best day to moan.  Did I just hear you moan, oh gees do we have to listen to a whinge?  No you don’t.  But I do need to blog about something in my own manic little way. 

So here it is....

The Kindle.  Now this isn’t really a moan it is more a reluctance.  A reluctance to give up on paperbacks.  Now you might say, you don’t need to give them up completely – and I probably don’t – but I'm dragging my feet regardless.

There are pros:  Get the numerous books I want instantly and for a much cheaper price.

For me, the cheap and fast options appeals.  To not have to wait for the postman to deliver a book would be more convenient.  But I like to hold a book in my hands.  Smell the paper and gaze at the cover.  I even like that noise, the one where you flip through the pages.  This is also when the aroma wafts up from the pages being fanned back and forth.

So what is the solution to this dilemma?  Bite the bullet and buy one.  See how I like it.  Download all those books I want to read.  It would certainly help with my Writers I Know Wednesday reviews.  Though the cheaper and more convenient the books to obtain the more time I spend reading, leaving me less time for everything else.  Time is already not on my side.  The ebook reader would entail me spending far more time with my nose in a book.  Wait can I still say that?  But I believe that the urge to own the latest gadget, my impatience and tight-arsedness will win out in the end.

The writer in me also feels mixed about it.  The positive of the kindle:  people may be more likely to purchase (or even download for free) your ebook if they own a kindle.  The cost is less and it is instant.  Readers may be more inclined to buy and read something they wouldn’t normally because of this.  If it is an unknown and (hopefully) up and coming author then there may be reluctance to fork out the money to buy and have delivered the paperback version.  It is the postage that is the killer really as many books are not available from bookstores and online overseas shipping is the only option thus the cost is that much more than in the stores.

The further evidence that ebook and kindle is the way of the future is the closure of bricks and mortar bookstores.  Some of the larger chains in Australia are already feeling the pinch of the ebook phenomenon.  So it seems ebook, as a writer with books only for sale online, is a far more viable option.  I am sure that if it wasn’t for ebook the ‘sales’ or number of people reading my book would be far lower.  Not only this, is it really about the money?  Well yes I would love to be a best seller (and this can still happen in ebook of course) and make loads of money BUT first and foremost I want to be read.  eReaders are allowing this to happen.  Sure my dream would be to go somewhere like the airport or be on a train and see someone holding my book in their hands but I think I have to face reality.  Electronic everything is the way of the future, it’s the way of now.  Paperback, I think sadly, will become a thing of the past and I will have to embrace the ebook.

So the call of the electronic book is loud and I believe it won’t be long before I release my stubborn hold on the paperback and embrace the way of the future.