I blogged last year about the horrors of dating in your 30’s, my
friend B and I have been through all the different avenues, speed dating,
online, casual sex etc but I have come to the conclusion that it can be a
horror for a woman of any age to find a man, the one who is going to hang
around or isn’t one of the following, for which I will describe.
I have recently decided to go on a 30 day man Hiatus, after the
last three men in my life fell into three of the categories below, I decided to
empower myself. I believe I may have been attracting the wrong men because I
allowed myself to fall into the traps. I have been reading self help books
lately, to help me discard my old ways, the ways that attract the wrong men. I
need to feel like a ‘catch’ before men see me as one.
Bearing in mind before I begin, that there are a lot of keepers
out there, men who stick. The course of true love doesn’t run smooth they say,
but there are many, many people for which it does because there are the
Before I run through my list of men that aren’t in the keeper
category (or may be but just not found the right girl?), I have to say that
women aren’t always the good guys either. There are a lot of women out there
digging for gold, seducing men for their own means. As I am a woman, I can only
write from this perspective and as I’m not a gold digger myself, I can only
compartmentalise men. Sorry boys.
We can also be guilty, us girls, of allowing these type of men to
treat us this way. I am very guilty of this one. Jumping in too fast, trying to
please, wanting to find love. If you give off desperation, these types of men
fall in your lap. Thus my hiatus, I have expectations, I know what I want and I
need to stick with them or repeat the same patterns.
Type One: The Commitment Phobic
Now my best male friend, who I love dearly, is one of these. Our
friendship is strong and although we tried to make it work together, we are
better as companions, best friends who hang together a lot. We will always be
friends and I know we will stick by each other for the rest of our lives, no
matter what men or women come and go. I can rely on him to love, support and
stand by me... he just wants different things. Well, different to what I
believe I want anyway.
It isn’t that these men can’t love, they can, but they are not
into monogamy. They don’t want the white picket fence and the 2.5 children.
Whether they tell you this up front or you find out along the track, in my
experience, a guy who doesn’t want to commit, won’t change because a girl has
come into his life, no matter how compatible. Not saying that this can’t
happen, that these men don’t meet the right girl and settle down... I believe
it to be rare.
Type Two: The Unavailable
There could be many reasons why they are unavailable. They may be
in a relationship that isn’t working, staying for the sake of the kids, or
really have no plans to leave at all. This is the mistake that is made on both
sides. I have been guilty of it... getting involved with someone who won’t leave
his kids. This is where both genders can make the error of judgement. If you get
involved with a man who is unavailable, it will usually end in tears. Don’t get
me wrong, some men do leave their unhappy relationship and follow the course of
true love but how often this happens, I don’t know.
Type Three: The Attached
The attached man is the one carrying a torch. They pursue you,
thinking they are ready to date, to move on and build a relationship with
someone new... until she comes back. Not saying this always happens but if the
man isn’t over his last love, then run the other way. He may pursue you
vigorously like the womaniser I speak of below, he may actually like you, but I
believe the biggest warning sign is; I want to go slow, take it day by day. He
doesn’t want to make dates for next week, but then may be spontaneous and
organise several with short notice. This type of man is the reason for my 30 day
man hiatus. Although the girlfriend was no longer in his life, he wasn’t over
the relationship. He threw himself fully into something with me, thinking he was
ready, then she rings, out of the blue, and bye-bye to current squeeze. The
rejection may hurt, but in this instance, what is to be done, feelings are
elsewhere and who am I, as a romance writer, to stand in the way of true love,
what is meant to be. It could all fall in a crumbling heap, the same problems
that broke them up could be there, but maybe things can change. The jury is out
on this one for me but I have a motto, don’t go back if it didn’t work the
Type Four: The Womaniser
I think this speaks for itself. They wine, they dine, they ...
but that is all they want. Promises may or not be made and they may or may not
tell you up front that it is casual. Again, these men could change, find the
‘one’but I believe that these men probably don’t.
Type Five: The Vanisher
This could be a man you met anywhere, online, out and about,
speed dating whatever. There are phone calls or online exchanges. There is that
nice getting to know each other period. From experience, these guys take your
number and don’t give out their own. They call you, things seem great, they say
they will call to make a date, then poof! Up in smoke they go. Maybe they fall
into one of the categories above, maybe it was all a fun flirtation they don’t
want to follow through on, but I find the vanisher can leave a girl wondering,
Now these are all generalised and I am only speaking from my
experiences... there may be other types that aren’t coming to mind right now,
and there are exceptions to every rule. A scene from ‘He’s just not that into
you’ reminds me of this. He is the serial womaniser, thought that there were no
exceptions until he met her... She believes in love, analyses every little
thing men do, will he call, why hasn’t he called, I think he likes me.... etc
(I have been guilty of this I admit!) and though in the movie, it takes him a
while to wake up... this sums it up for me.
Her: I thought there were no exceptions
Him: You are my exception
All I can do is hope to find a keeper (and maybe I have with my
best friend, maybe this is the best option, companionship and respect) or
perhaps I can be someone’s exception.
Serenity, acceptance, strength and wisdom
In the past I wrote about my dating disasters in my 30s both online and in the speed dating arena... well since then my love life has gone on a rollercoaster but has now come to rest and I'm cruising along nicely with the man who is my best friend... anyway enough about me, this new series of dating disaster stories aren't about me but my friend, B.
We went to speed dating together, I encouraged her to try her luck online... whether this was a good idea or not will be revealed over the coming weeks.
B kindly offered for me to blog about her dating experiences. My best girl friend has been through one of the worst things that can occur in the love world, the death of a partner. I will not, of course, go into gory details but lets just say I met B not long after this happened and I believe the course her life went on was because of the pain of her loss, because of the loneliness that followed and her quest to find love again.
They say the course of true love never runs smooth... (had to throw in some kind of cliches) well in my bff's case, this is not far from the truth.
The reason I'm writing about my friend's love life (or the disasters) is to try and comically (if I can!) tell of her escapades, in the hope of helping other girls avoid the wrong type of men! I'm sorry to all the gents out there, this doesn't apply to you, not all men are pigs or think of their .... and yes there are some horrid women out there who break hearts callously, but my poor friend, Unlucky In Love B still lives in hope after all the weirdos, creeps and just plain what!? guys she has dated in the past 18 months.
Episode 4 – Speed Dating and Mr TV
Speed Dating is an interesting idea and I went in with no
expectations. For those who don’t know the concept, you date a number of men,
in my case fifteen, for five minutes each. You then have to determine which men
you would like to date, be friends with or never see again. They are then
correlated and matched. If you pick date for someone and they pick friendship,
it defaults to friendship. If you say no then the details aren’t given out.
I received one date match which I thought was pretty good
considering I had only marked down a handful of dates myself. The others were
all friendship matches or no match for the three I said no to. My date match
contacted me. I remembered he worked in television, thus the original name, so
I thought he could be interesting and successful.
We met for a drink, which turned into dinner, which turned into
more drinks followed by hot kisses at my door. It was a great date. One of the
best ones I’ve had for as long as I can remember. He was witty, charming and
mature with an interesting career. Things looked promising.
Leading up to our second date I still wasn’t sure. Yes, we had a
great first date but we are always on our best behaviour. We are flirty,
charming, sophisticated and witty. So I don’t hold too much on the first date.
Aside from all this he’s an Aries... and they aren’t always a good idea for a
Taurean. Regardless, I thought there could be more to it, I wanted to find out
whether I wanted to pursue things, whether I should go with chemistry and see
whether we had something of substance once the gloss of a new prospect wore off.
He also carried a lot of baggage... but I have my fair share so I wasn’t going
to let that influence me.
The second date he impressed me. Dinner, wine, interesting
company, great conversation...
You see the reasons men speed date are very similar to the
reasons why men online date. See if you can work out which category Mr TV fell
into and why I won’t be seeing him again. ;)
Episode 2 - Mr Shiny
When I joined the online dating site, all I wanted was a user
friendly site that I could cruise around on, and wouldn’t cost me my left arm.
I’ve made friends on forums and various other places online before so I knew how
easy it would be to talk to people.
The interesting part is the initial response. Flirtations flying
about, a plethora of men and loads of people to browse through with pics. This
is where, of course, the first thing can go wrong. As we all may well know,
anyone, at any time, can post a fake picture. This is obviously the number one
rule. Add to this, a profile that seems great, you want to believe the photo
could be real. I’m using my real one.
So when you find there on screen, what sounds too wonderful...
well he probably is. For the purpose of my first story and to keep what little
I know about him a secret, I’m going to call him Mr Shiny, for that is how he
appeared. He had the credentials, he ticked all the boxes and our banter was
fun and flirtatious... I had an internet crush. Not the first time... will it
be the last?
He took my number after prolonged internet dating and we had
several get to know calls before arranging to meet. Now I wondered at this
point why his voice didn’t seem to match... didn’t quite fit. So, after several
days of zero communication, I was supposed to hear from him about the time to
meet after he finished work. Needless to say I heard not a thing. Silence
followed a very long session on the phone.
Now in the age of internet and text messages I spend less time
talking on the phone. I still like to do it but why call when you can say it in
text, so a long phone conversation is rare but encouraging. Day and place set
then... nothing. I still to this day, over a month later, have no idea what
happened. He was probably married and looking for a shag on the side. Who knows
but I should have thought it weird when he was reluctant to exchange details
but happy to take mine... so my first flirtation came to a screaming halt.
A little disheartened, I decided there was more than one guy on
the site. Perhaps I could give it another go... think again.
Episode 3 - Mr Hard Up and The Married Man
There has been an update since my last entry. It seems Mr Shiny
hasn’t fallen into a black hole or isn’t in traction after an unfortunate road
accident but is cruising the site again for his next victim. I have still
received no word. Not a sorry for the silence, or acknowledgement of my message
which read, hey what gives? No explanation. Perhaps he is being nice and doesn’t
want to hurt my feelings. Um, it is too late, you’re silence and rejection
did sting. Be a man and at least say, sorry I stood you up, you’re not what
I’m looking for. This is still a mystery but I guess I have to accept the
fact that I was rejected... for whatever reason. Thankfully I am resilient
and I bounce back... until the next time anyway...
So I continued on with the site even though my first interaction
went sour. While I had been communicating with Mr Shiny I came across two other
contenders who seemed interested. The first was the married man. At first I
didn’t realise this to be the case. I learned quickly after this to check the
status before investing any of my time. He attempted to dazzle me with poetry
and sweet flattering words. When I learned he was married this only intensified
his pursuit and how much he wanted to meet me.
Now, before we go on, I must get one thing very straight. I don’t
want to be the other woman. There are several reasons for this. The number one
being that I couldn’t do that to someone. I couldn’t knowingly conduct a sordid
affair with another woman’s husband. I have standards. I have morals. I don’t
want to be the cause of someone being hurt. Perhaps if he was the ‘perfect’ guy
I may break my morality and attempt some sort of relationship but I’m not
immoral and I don’t like him enough so the point is moot. He continues to pursue
and boost my ego and I continue to play hard to get... because in this instance,
I am. It’s flattering and sometimes he’s sweet but it isn’t enough to make
me ignore my judgement.
The other is quite simple. I don’t like to share. I could blame
this again on being an only child but I won’t. You see, envy is one of many sins
I am guilty of. I don’t like the idea that the object of my affection is sharing
this affection with someone else. The green eyed monster comes out and I become
this totally different person, and I don’t like when she escapes. So basically
The Married Man was disregarded before I even started.
So this brings me to Mr Hard Up. Now why am I calling him this?
Good question. And one I’ll answer in a moment but first, if I’ve learnt
anything from my experience on the dating site it is this, the men are
Married, admitting they are and state quite freely they are after an affair
Are married and don’t admit it but are quite freely looking for an affair.
Pretend to be someone they aren’t.
Are single but is only looking for a booty call.
They aren’t attractive.
Now I realise this sounds very judgemental of me and
I know I’m not going to win Miss Universe or I’m not 25
but there has to be an attraction no matter how nice they are. If I couldn’t
kiss them, then I can’t date them.
Then there are the men who are seeking a relationship, are what
they portray, aren’t unattractive and are seeking the same as me.
But I think these are the ones that are harder to find.
As yet I haven’t met anyone on the site (besides Mr Shiny the con artist)
that I could truly say, yes this could lead to something.
I don’t think I will be finding my soul mate on the internet. I’m still waiting to be
Anyway, Mr Hard Up, he seemed like the last point. Genuine,
nice guy who is searching for love. As it turned out, he was after the
I didn’t know this at first. I had lunch with him but there was
no spark. I couldn’t imagine kissing him. It wasn’t that he was
unattractive... just not my type.
I have a single friend who I have been going on all these
adventures with. Online dating, speed dating and the
like... and I thought perhaps they would hit it off. How wrong could I be? As
soon as he found out he wouldn’t get the booty from her, he ran for the hills
before deciding to give it one last go with me. Suffice to say, I no longer
am in contact!
My friend also organised a date with one of these
guys. He turned out to be pretending to be something he wasn’t. Thankfully
she spotted him before going to meet him. The funniest thing about this is...
that he actually thought it would be OK that he wasn’t what she thought he
would be. He was at least 20 years older than he said and wasn’t as he
portrayed at all. So he turns up knowing he has lied and didn’t think she
would reject him! All very strange. She has decided she won't find her soul
mate on the internet.
I was ready after the three strikes to say, it is time to give up
on the online dating. Since then, in the last two weeks I
have been communicating with a seemingly nice man. We have been chatting in a
friendly way with no talk of meeting or exchanging numbers but rather
building a friendship slowly over time. I’m not sure where I want this to go,
if anywhere, but it has renewed my faith in the kind of men on the site. I’m
having a pleasant exchange with what could become a new friend. Time will
tell with this one.
Next week I will delve into the world of Speed Dating and my foray into this world with Mr TV.
I must be manic as I am starting NaNo tomorrow and have decided to start my weekly serial blog about The Horrors of dating in my 30s.
This week's episode is titled: A preview into dating in my 30's and the internet.
Ten years is a long time in the dating world. The internet was
invented and people now speed through dates or place a personal ad. Basically
the chances of being rejected before even meeting someone or within the first
five minutes of meeting are high. I have come to the conclusion that it takes
more than two dates and one night of passion to find out if you should even
pursue anything further. Why waste several months on the wrong man? So my
mission became; how do I find the right man and where? Not so suddenly at
thirty something, with two children, I’m on the hunt for a man.
So it all begins with internet dating sites. Is this like the
blind date? In a way yes but blind dates are usually set up. People known by
people you know. A vague screening process has at least taken place and this
person has been spotted in real life and isn’t being represented by a sexy
photo plucked off the internet and a fake profile. Is the offline internet
meeting the blind date equivalent of the 10’s? I was about to find
For the purposes of anonymity I won’t name the actual places I
cruised all for the name of research. Well that is what I’m calling it anyway. I
decided before I began that I could claim the expenses as tax deductions. I
could find out a little bit about the dating world for the purposes of writing
and actually score a date. It would be easy or so I thought.
I wasn’t prepared for what I would discover in the online world
and I discovered very quickly that people aren’t always as they pretend to be or
what their profiles claim (OK I’ve been on enough internet forums to know this
already but I went naively into this thinking that this was different). If
someone seems too good to be true then they probably are. Needless to say the
internet dating part of my tour was interesting and has many parts so this
episode will be broken into two. This week I set you up, lead you into my world
and then let you know how horrid the dating world can be. I hope that this is
really the case and not that I am totally undateable!
So next week begins my journey into the horrors of the dating
world in my 30’s and the internet.